When Love Begins
WHEN LOVE BEGINS
In the polyamorous community, there is a concept we are aware of called NRE: new relationship energy, that just might be the most favorite drug of choice.
It is the titillation, excitement, relentless hunger for someone, in the early stages of a relationship.
The less you share life with them, the stronger this dose of illusion stays in the system.
Some who struggle with intimacy need strong NRE, to be in relationship. Need lots of space and irregularity (even drama), in order to keep the fire burning. They may question their ability to be in healthy relationship.
For NRE keeps you from having to face yourself.
It bolsters the immune system, makes fighting and worrying non-existent, and smooths over any wrinkle or tear with dopamine and oxytocin.
Once this baby wears off, you will experience who you are in relationship and who the other person truly is.
Do you need fantasy to get off, when you’re in a stable relationship? This is when that little bear will become apparent.
Do you get uneasy and a bit hurtful, in long term relationship? This will show up.
Are you dramatic and sensitive when you don’t get your way right away? Oh yes. Here it comes.
Depending on how much time you spend with your partner, the NRE could wear off any time between a few months to a few years.
And strong communication
Strong sense of self
And ability to navigate difficult relational situations, becomes uber important.
It is easy to want something, when you barely have it. When you’re not quite sure when you will see it again, and that instability or inconsistency keeps the brain thinking that the relationship is special or hot.
Introduce consistency
Stability
Regularity
Safety
Quiet
Ease
And shit gets real.
This is when the true nervous system comes out to play, when there is nothing to work for, and you have this fully available, loving human, wanting to be in your bed, day in and day out.
Wanting to do the everything moments with you and the nothing moments.
This is when the insecure attachment system can get activated. The running to or away from.
And this is when love begins.
What we think is love, in the early stages of relationship, is falling in love with the IDEA of the person:
their scent
their feel
their excitement over you and life
how easy it is to be with them
how they bolster the ego and say the things you want to hear
how they see the world
After your first true fight: where you see the living nasty in someone staring back at you,
That is when love is born.
Love is not what we thought.
Love is finding reasons to run and deciding to stay.
Love is starting all over again, with fresh perspective and gentleness and ownership.
It is being able to own every flaw, hurt, attack, so the other person knows you will fight for the relationship no matter what. And their well being is important to you.
It is nursing each other back to health. Standing in a kitchen you do not yet know well, making soup.
Love is withstanding the person’s pain, confusion, even depression, and showing up for them anyway. Being able to carry them for a bit, knowing that one day you will need to be carried.
It is learning how to carry someone, without resenting them and losing yourself.
It is learning how to let someone carry you, without spending much time worrying if they are holding you the “right” way, or if they will let you fall.
Love gets into the dirt and builds something beautiful. Buries the dead from the past. Plants trees for the future for you to rest under, trusts that there is a future and loves to work towards it.
Love is so much better than the high you get when you touch another person’s skin. It’s more of a sinking in, a feeling of home, and choosing to face the beautiful terror of finding home in someone else.
Not escaping, but waking up through them.
NRE is a vacation from reality. Love is joining realities. Going deep into the truth and being so damn grateful that you did.
To letting the novelty wear off and letting love in.
