Male Fragility
Sunday I went to Home Depot with my husband. I went right up to an employee, made sure he was indeed an employee, and let him know what we were looking for.
While Steve continued to search the aisles.
I realized that I am trained to ask for help, since I was a little girl. if I need to know something and don’t already, ask someone. They will tell me.
Taking it a step further, If I think I know, it’s still a good idea to ask someone. Verify it. Make sure it’s valid and supported by others. Make sure it’s a likeable option.
Be curious and open and know enough but not TOO much. Don’t be too clear about my needs, because then I will be called “pushy” or a “controlling know it all.”
While on the other hand, my husband, and often people conditioned as male, have been taught that asking for help is a sign of weakness and to just, “Figure it out.” They should already know what they don’t know.
Men are conditioned to be in the right no matter what, at ANY expense:
Their health.
Their relationships.
Their aliveness.
Women might get stuck in cyclical thinking perpetuating the problem:
“Is it okay that I feel this? Is it okay that I ask this? Let me know my feeling is valid. But if I am dramatic or being a controlling woman, feel free to tell me my point of view is wrong and put me in my place. I’m just so lucky to have you.”
Women can operate from a position of confusion or uncertainty, because they do not want to trigger male fragility.
Male fragility, as I define it, is the masculine afraid of being seen as weak and needing help, or being in the wrong. Incapable of asking for help and admitting vulnerability and faults. Afraid of powerful women, because it means they are steamrolled and confronted. Afraid of a woman having a voice, because it makes his voice less important, especially if she disagrees. They are afraid of being imperfect and needing guidance because they worry that society, the woman, etc, will have a field day and make fun of them.
Similar to how their fathers harassed them in their childhood (and how their fathers harassed their mothers). They were bullied and hated for being human. There was no room for growth. Therefore they do not readily admit to making mistakes and instead decide they must appear infallible.
Male fragility does not see men as powerful, capable of growth. It keeps men feeling broken. And women, especially powerful ones, in the eyes of the fearful, cannot be trusted.
This is where misogyny culture comes in:
“I will only trust my fellow men. Otherwise, I have lots of armor. If my woman needs something, I can only give it to her if I run it by the guys first and they are sure I am not compromising my male position.”
Male fragility fears a woman in her clear potent desire. For he sees her in her needs as being needy, afraid of his capacity to show up and meet her.
This results in women believing they have to take care of men instead, coddle them, because if she asks for her needs to be met and does not default into denying herself, she can be perceived as a bitch. Or at least threatening to the male ego and his obsession with superiority.
Male fragility breeds abuse. It makes men want to BEND women to their will, believing that leadership is a denial of her feelings and needs. He interjects his own understanding of what she should ask for and what is appropriate to need and when she should need it.
He does not give a woman what she needs unless it is his idea. If it is his choice, then he will meet her needs and no longer be fragile.
True leadership is based on consent, an integrating of her needs, and ability to navigate her in a way that creates a win/win instead of a win/lose.
My fellow therapists and coaches must address this when working with male clients:
“You will feel the pressure to have armor up in session. Not reveal the true thing. To seem like you know, and you are not in the wrong. To be treated as weaker or less than, less capable of emotional intelligence and capacity. Almost like a child. Society sets you up for this, to not be seen and supported, so you pretend everything is okay and skirt true accountability for yourself. I will check my bias and regularly ask you if you feel safe to be deeply authentic. I want to treat you as the powerful being you are. Are you willing to do the work of being vulnerable and are you willing to be shown your blind spots?”
When it comes to women in session, they also need to be addressed:
“You will feel the pressure to coddle, protect, and preserve the masculine and it might make you feel unseen, unheard, or unsafe. You will want to dumb down, to be liked. You might have the pressure of the health of the relationship on your shoulders. I will check my regular biases against you, (outspoken/verbal woman), and regularly check in to make sure you feel your sense of reality is trusted and valued. That you are treated as a powerful adult, especially when you are emotional or hurt. Are you willing to own your truth, even if it requires you to risk not being liked or pleasing? Are you willing to look at your blind spots?”
Therapists and coaches need to be careful of treating men like children in therapeutic settings, simply because they might seem like they are lost/being taken advantage of, since they do not present the behaviors that are often problematic publicly, nor are they easily available to accessing their deepest self-awareness.
The more we call ourselves out from these roles, the better love will be.
The better our world will be.
Update:
Male fragility not only fears harassment/bullying if they are vulnerable, it sees ALL disagreement as defiance, disrespect, boundary pushing and a woman, “stepping out of her place.”
These are examples of the fear and need for control, which makes those whom embody fragile outlooks often incapable of healthy conflict resolution. These words might be said or the energy behind them communicated in verbal and non verbal ways:
“If the issue we are struggling over is important to me, I should get what I want. If you dont back off, you are wronging me.”
“If you continue to disagree with me after I told you what I want, you are:
Stupid
Controlling
Selfish
Pushing my boundaries.”
“An argument should only last as long as my patience does.”
“Once I have had enough, the discussion is over and it is time that you shut up.”
Most of those quotes are from the book, “Why Does He Do That?”
Fragility also makes a man fear a woman’s sexuality, telling her to “cover up” and what is appropriate for her to wear and not to wear. Feeling that he is only entitled to enjoy her body, and no one else. Implying she is a slut or inappropriate if wearing clothes he finds too confronting.
